Hospitals and Waiting

I spent about half of 2005 at Stanford hospital. Day in and day out waiting for word on the fate of my aunt. The others in the ICU waiting room became part of our family. They would come and go; sometimes with hope and sometimes with grief as we continued waiting. Different surgeries, different doctors, different prognoses...always uncertainty. Always praying we would be the the lucky ones, leaving the ICU waiting room with hope. Those months at Stanford hospital stripped my family to the bone. After my aunt's health was stable and the fear of losing her was no longer, I disappeared into my own world, avoiding my own emotions. It was too much to take, I needed to breathe again.

Finally, more than 2 years after the accident, most of us have healed. We smile, we laugh, we fight and we cry, but now, never with uncertainty or fear. But today we return to the waiting room. Today, we hope, is the final surgery, the final prognosis and the final healing. This time we go back to the waiting room confident, comfortable, and certain that this time she will be able to completely heal. And now that we've had some time to breathe, we are all strong enough to bare the few hours of waiting in that cold, dank hospital where the doctors and the patients seem to blur into one. Doctors, tired and overworked, look as though they could be the patients. Patients, far too familiar with the confines of the hospital, look as though they could diagnose illness.

I hope today is the last time I step foot in to that hospital. But as I remember those months of uncertainty and waiting I feel a little silly. I feel silly being so anxious and frustrated over the uncertainty of a b-school acceptance. It seems so trivial today. To allow a group of people, people just like me, to have so much power over my mental well being is ridiculous. Today I will not permit a group of people, judging me based solely on a couple of essays and some test scores, to make me doubt my self worth or value. I know, whether admitted or not, I will be what I want and accomplish my goals. So today I'm just going to appreciate how blessed my life is and how lucky I am to be surrounded by family and friends as I wait in that room.